10. Shove all the books on a shelf all the way to the back of the shelf, (even though NONE of the shelves are like this) just because that's the way YOU think they should be.
9. Use the public-access computers to write your pornographic novel, or complain about not being able to get naked pictures. Bonus points if you are on a kids' terminal.
8. Encourage your children to empty entire shelves onto the floor. BONUS: Show them how to tear the flaps out of the Spot books.
7. Hover right over a page's shoulder as he/she is trying to shelve. BONUS: Take books off of his/her cart, decide you don't want them, and put them back on the cart in the wrong places.
6. Argue loudly with a clerk about your library fines. Bonus points for each person in line behind you.
5. Get a Hotmail account using the public-access computers. Forget your password. Yell at the reference desk worker because she can't tell you what it is. Repeatedly say, "I just want some e-mails!" Ask what mail program the staff uses. When told that the sysadmin sets up Microsoft Outlook for library staff purposes, ask if you could get mails if you got that. Tie up the desk worker for 45 minutes.
4. Change your child's diaper in the middle of the children's section, even though there are perfectly fine changing tables in both the men's and women's restrooms. Act perplexed when staff ask you not to deposit the dirty diaper in the trash can by the reference desk. Bonus points if it's No. 2 in the diaper.
3. Assume that since you personally do not clean the restrooms, you can do whatever you want and leave whatever kind of detritus* you want in the toilets. Detritus worthy of bonus points includes Pokémon card wrappers and soiled boxer shorts. Even MORE bonus points if a staff member has to wear rubber gloves and carry a plunger and/or air freshener to clean up after you.
2. Re-alphabetize the books, or if you are in the nonfiction section, arrange the books by your own personal Dewey Decimal system. Bonus points if your system includes storing books behind the shelves, on top of other books, inside of other books, or on the floor.
1. Once you have done all of this, refuse to leave at closing time. Those "the library will be closing in 30/15/5 minutes" announcements were only suggestions anyway. Or, if you have other things to do, abandon your children here at closing time, which means that two members of the staff have to wait with your offspring until you decide to show up. Of course we don't want to go home! We'd LOVE to stay at the library all night long!
* Detritus does not refer to the troll of Discworld.
Back to working with books.
© Cynthia 2001.